I recently did something that surprised most people including myself as it is not in my nature only that of God. Was it terrible? Oh my goodness yes it was. The reaction i received was ordinary yet i seemed to have expected a different reaction. Some can say it was the ultimate step of faith or plain foolishness. As i received the common reaction, i started to cry as my mind went into a million directions. I got on my knees and cried bitterly “What have i done!” I begged God to take the clock a few minutes from then. “Please God please, i will never ask You of such a thing again” i cried while the other part of me was like “Your faith has healed you”. This did not make me feel better as all i saw before me was a shattered dream.
On this day i opened my heart, as i let down every guard i had so strongly established over the years. I realised that vulnerability is pricey and if you are not ready to pay for it, kindly reinforce your guard with cement and steel. As i listened to the voice on the other side i did not know how to defend myself in light of the circumstances and there is truly no defence in law that has been written for such a circumstance. Such a defence in our realm is impossible. I did the only thing i knew how to, accept responsibility for my actions as everything we do in life has a consequence and i should have know better than to expect less.
One of the most regrettable things we were not offered is the ability to go back in time and erase our mistakes, the hurts we have caused, the hearts we have broken, the wrong choices, the missed chances and so much more. God knew how truly sorry i was. I do not know how many sorries one can say for pain to go away, i guess they can never be enough. I only could pray that they know how sorry i was for my actions and for God’s grace which in this situation was EGR(‘EXTRA GRACE REQUIRED’) would be sufficient.
On the other hand i was hurting in my heart. My emotional self was actually bleeding inside. I had let down my guard slowly but when i received this reaction i was faster than David Rudisha bringing it up again. This time, reinforcing it further with an electric fence. How fragile our vulnerability is. As i hid behind my strong walls i cried bitterly asking God “Are people this unforgiving? Are people without mercy? All i want is mercy” but instead what i got for my leap of faith was judgement in its rawest form. I thought the truth sets us free.I thought in the end the truth is appreciated. I thought honesty wins hearts. ‘You should have known better than to open your mouth’ a voice says. The harsh reality is the one who speaks the truth in this world is an enemy without an audience while the liar a friend with renounced popularity.
Only mercy. Only a little bit of mercy is all i prayed for on that day. I looked silently on the wall and wondered how many times i had exercised mercy on other people and guess what? I saw a merciless human with no room for the benefit of doubt. Second chances had never been written in my dictionary. I laughed and delighted at my merciless nature. It would seem seeing another beg for mercy and a second chance brought me amazing pleasure. I was happy they were suffering at this moment.”Yah, go on beg me. Hahahhahahaha”. I shivered at that imagine of me. I had done the same to others. How far the Lord has brought me. Fast forward today, i am keen to first understand where a person is coming from, patient with their annoying habits and ready to offer a friendly hug as they need love. At least i am trying everyday to be this person. I am tending to be the devil advocates where people are saying “they deserve nothing” and i shout loudly “why not?”.Such a great contrast between the world of God and this one.
It is with my own story that i remembered a famous Bible story. That of the woman caught in adultery in John 8:1-11.Only this time i seemed to be the actress in the movie not she. I could feel her heart through mine crying out “Please have mercy on me. Please have mercy on me. Please give me a chance.”
As bitter tears of an unforgiving world dropped down my cheeks. What a cruel, unforgiving world we live in. This people then threw me in front of Jesus and let me lay there in full shame of the public and worse of all Jesus, Son of God. I was done for and knew within minutes He would strike me dead and send me to hell on a first plane out of earth. I did not expect anything else but punishment and bowed low before Him in shame. He seemed to be taking a little too long to react as i saw Him use a stick to scribble something on the ground. I said silently within me “Please just get done with it already, i can’t take it anymore.”
The crowd was cheering Him on when He said “All right, i will deal with her but first, let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone”. Everyone was surprised including myself as i exclaimed “eh!”with a funny facial expression. I paused and laughed to myself as i said in my heart “Nice on Jesus. I could not have thought about that”. One by one i watched the feet of these people walk away. I could not believe it and for the first time in that day i saw a glimpse of hope, i was just not sure what He would do to me when i was left with Him.
When it was only the two of us, i cried silently as i waited for His verdict. Instead He held me by my hand and lifted me up, dusting my dress and wiping my tears. He said cheekily “Rough day huh?”I could not help but laugh at His unexpected comment. “Yah” I said slowly as i smiled in between tears. He proceeded to say “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” I looked around for the first time since i came there and i nodded saying “No, Lord”. He took my hands in His and gave me one of the most handsome and loving smiles i have ever seen and said “And neither do I. Go and sin no more”.
I should be forgiven for the surprise and shock in my heart. “Aaaaaaaah. I am not sure if i heard you correctly, but it sounded like you have set me free.Right?” He nodded laughing. “Yes.” “So no, striking me dead and sending me to hell?”This time He just laughed loudly. “Thank you” i said from the bottom of my heart as i walked quickly before He changed His mind. At a safe distance, i looked at Him in awe. The Son of God, a sinless human had pardoned me for my great sin and yet my own friends could not even associate with me at this time. None had even tried to defend me or shown me mercy and yet this man that i had never even met had so easily graced me with His mercy. What great tenderness He had shown for me. I could not help but want to be just like Him. I covered my head with the veil and walked away in wonder.
You will be surprised at how unforgiving, cruel, merciless, no benefit of doubt our world is. I know some of you have experienced this not even so far but right in your own families. And yet been also the same to another countless times. On that day and those ahead i made a promise to myself to be slow to anger, slow to speak and very prompt in forgiving and giving a warm loving hug to the one who needs it in such times. One of this fine day you will be the one in need of that mercy, how about show mercy to the one before you now? Even better our God gives a promise of being merciful to everyone who is merciful to another. How truly Awesome is our God.