REDEFINING ONESELF

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Many times in our individual lives we continuously live our lives without the need to stop and evaluate how far we have come or who we are at that particular stage in our lives. The lack of evaluation is not necessarily out of ignorance but just life happening too fast. See in life, we are always overtaken by events. Every once in a few years i find myself having to stop and access myself, my growth, my progress or lack of it. This evaluation is always triggered by the different transitions to different phases in life. A new beginning is rarely commenced without a struggle as comfort is always easier to go back to. It however remains a necessary step to take despite this struggle.

Transitioning through the times has not always been easy for me. I hate change and scared of it. I do not know what to expect in the next stage or whether it will be ok. I usually feel desperate to fight to maintain the status quo, yet change is the only constant factor in our life. “Stop fighting missy and embrace change” life tells me. My fully waged war toward change has always seen me, be a sore loser for change always wins. I might as well just come to accept this fact. Acceptance is also a struggle. Hahahahaha.

As i kept growing up, i became a different person in each new stage with my likes and dislikes ever changing. I realized each time i changed i had to redefine myself all together, asking who i was meant to be at that time and season. I cannot pretend answering these questions was easy. It wasn’t and sometimes my answers to these questions put me in trouble with God, myself and others. I came to learn the foolish answers to some of the questions were called mistakes from which I drew my life lessons.

2015 saw me be confronted by the need to transition from a girl to a woman. Ladies, when do we transition from being girls to women? At what point really? Does age define whether you are a girl or a woman? A while back, I had a conversation with my dear friend. We asked each other “In your opinion am I a boy or a man?” and to him I asked “In your opinion am I a girl or a woman?” Need I say the answers by each of us were met with hesitation? Whether it was out of a doubt of one being either or an honest pondering on the question, I will never know. What I know is transitioning from a girl to a woman (and vice versa) is not necessarily a bodily physical change but a mental change. A deliberate decision to make this transformation.

The events of this bittersweet year saw me be confronted by ugly truths that needed hard questions to be asked and hard decisions to be made. I could almost clearly hear a harsh interrogator ask me “What are you Ruth Nzioka? What are you!!!Are you going to continue being a girl or are you going to step up and be a woman?” I shuddered at the strictness of the question because it’s in that moment I knew it’s time to say goodbye to the girl that I was.

I have never encountered such a gruesome transition before, yet in the tears, the shattering moments, the desperate moments spend in fear and anguish, the episodes of lowliness, the bargains, the hurtful episodes and so much more that has had no beauty at all, the woman that I feared was slowly unveiled and released.

I can honestly say being happy and blissful is totally awesome and wouldn’t we all want it to be so always? Yet in happiness I have learned only but a few life lessons if any, whereas in my utter despair I have learnt numerous life lessons in this year that have been the epitome of my transition from my a girl to a woman, the subject of various life lessons featured on my blog this year.

To say this transition was triggered by my own self will would be a lie. God did allow the presence of my dear friend and various people in my life at this season to help me see myself for who I really was. My God by His unfailing love and grace then started working with and in me to effect the necessary change that would see me be the woman I am today.

As the year 2015 comes to an end, one may find it necessary to ask “Who have I been in this season called 2015? Who do I want to be in the next year? Do I need to redefine myself or am I content with the definition of who I am today?” It is these simple yet imperative questions that triggered my redefining myself in 2015, a change that is still in progress and will continue in the New Year 2016. God willing.

Picture: www.archive.contantcontact.com

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  1. Bianka says:

    This is where iam right now in my life.Redefining my life and self.Change is never easy,but I guess it reaches a time you just have to embrace it despite it all.2016 the year of changes.God walk with us always.

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